In the past, this newspaper has expressed a strong anti-magic stance that may have offended some of our readers. We deeply apologize for those past bad acts, and, by way of reconciliation, we offer this hearty endorsement of the Festival of Jarlsberg. As the streets are flooded with well-wishers, vendors, and louts, let us remember why we celebrate.

Accounts of Jarlsberg's life, as sketchy and unreliable as they are, indicate that he was an excellent man as well as a powerful wizard. His alleged good humor and his alleged charity and goodwill towards his fellow man are reason enough to celebrate him. Most importantly, though, Jarlsberg is dead, and has been dead for many years.

We encourage all magic users in the Kingdom to seek to emulate their hero in all possible ways as they make merry on this Festival of Jarlsberg. Let us all raise a glass for his sterling example.

Aw, snap! A change in the weather meant a bonanza for the Kingdom's business owners. Citizens of Loathing forsook their leftist, outside-playing ways and flooded the Mall, eager to consume, hungry for bargains. Enterprising hobos took advantage of the mob by plying them with free candy, raking in hundreds of meat in donations for Don Crimbo's Less Fortunate Fund. We're sure those who didn't give will be less fortunate than those who did!

Tonight's Weather:

Radar indicates a warm front is on the way. Have you met my dog, Radar?